Archive for June, 2012
Adventures in Cooking: Part Deux
Well, at around 9:15 I finally accepted that a drumstick ice cream cone and a Twix ice cream bar do not actually constitute a meal.
Fortunately, I learned that my roommate left me leftover mashed potatoes in the refrigerator. (As a side note, I always misspell “refrigerator” as “refridgerator.” This is because refrigerator is generally shortened to “fridge” and I feel like the root word should not change just because you chuck a “re” in front of it and add “ator” to the end. Heinz Doofensmirtz would call it a “refridgerinator” – and again, the root word would be intact. No, that is not a subtle reminder to my sister that the second she publishes a book I will publish the “Things I Like: Phineas and Ferb” post.)
However, I also recognized that a small bowl of mashed potatoes also does not constitute a meal. So I made epic chicken salad.
How to cook leftover mashed potatoes:
-Have roommate make mashed potatoes
-Have roommate not finish eating mashed potatoes
-Get roommate’s blessing to eat mashed potatoes
-Place mashed potatoes into microwave in – and this is important – a microwave-safe container
-Nuke potatoes for 30 seconds
-Pull potatoes out
-Realize potatoes are still cold
-Stir potatoes and nuke them for another 30 seconds
-Take potatoes out, sit down, prepare to eat, and realize that potatoes are still cold
-Nuke for another 30 seconds
-Call lukewarm potatoes close enough
-Add a packet of soy sauce because high sodium is for winners
How to make epic chicken salad:
-Get a can of chicken. Dark meat is okay because it is cheaper and once everything is added you can’t even really tell it’s dark meat and therefore be grossed out
-Open chicken, swear at the lid pop-tab for breaking off
-Use butter knife to lever lid off
-Press lid against chicken OVER THE SINK to drain the chicken
-Pour chicken into bowl, mash with fork
-Add a generous dollop of mayonnaise or Miracle Whip
-Hunt for mustard
-Realize as you are hunting for mustard that you do, in fact, have milk, and that it doesn’t even expire for another two weeks
-Shake the mustard well so that you actually get mustard instead of mildly yellow liquid
-Add a stingy dollop of mustard
-Raid your spice rack. I like to add a crap-load of dill. This is different than a metric crap-load of dill, because I am an American and Americans do not use the metric system because we’re awesome and won the Revolutionary War and apparently don’t realize how nice it is to have measurements scale in a factor of 10 instead of completely random increments. I’m not saying this system has anything to do with us being 27th in math, globally; I am merely suggesting that there could be some correlation.
-Add whatever else is in there that sounds good. I just started pulling things at random, which is how I got celery salt, garlic powder, and black pepper. I also added some cumin because I feel incredibly classy adding cumin to things.
-To add epic to your chicken salad, pour in a crap-ton of chili powder
-Spoon salad onto saltine crackers
-Add soy sauce to taste
And there you have it.
Verdict: Edible
Convenience: High
Difficulty level: Low
Skill Required: Opposable thumbs, understanding of the basic principles of leverage, ability to work a microwave
Materials: leftover mashed potatoes, microwave oven, canned chicken, mayonnaise, mustard, spice, soy sauce
Quote: “Please eat the mashed potatoes. They are still delicious, I promise.” – my roommate, in a Facebook message. Comma added to correct grammar.
Lessons learned:
-I do not need to buy some %&*#@!@$ milk.
-If you leave the Terminator 2 DVD on the menu screen long enough, a terminator walks across the screen and stares at you with its red blinky eyes for about ten seconds. That was the second most terrifying thing I have seen today.
-I should suck it up and buy a bottle of soy sauce
Read Full Post | Make a Comment ( 1 so far )Adventures in Cooking: Part 1
My roommate sadly (for a number of reasons) lives in Wisconsin. For the next week-and-a-half, she will be living it up with family and friends in air-conditioned bliss. (I’m really happy for her, although I am unbelievably jealous about the air-conditioning. Our apartment does not have any, and – I’m not exaggerating here – it was over a hundred degrees in my bedroom last night. I know this because it was 98 outside and I opened my windows because outside was colder.)
My roommate is a fantastic cook. She makes so many delicious and tasty things; meanwhile, I can successfully cook chicken and eggs. The last time I made a grilled cheese sandwich I set off the smoke alarm. I have boiled macaroni into oblivion. I would make a crack about my inability to boil water properly, but I’m a (bio)chemist and I can boil the everloving crap out of anything.
The point is, my roommate does all of our cooking. I hold pots and things and stir stuff when she tells me to. It’s a great system. During the school year, when who’s going to be home when is up in the air, I can usually fend for myself because it’s not that hard to follow the directions on the back of a microwaveable dinner.
This isn’t the school year. My roommate left for home this evening. I don’t have any microwaveable dinners.
So, for your entertainment, and also because I just made a rather strong Bloody Mary and so this sounds like a good idea, I will be blogging my adventures in the culinary arts for the week-and-a-half my roommate is gone.
So, without further ado:
7:30 pm – I wake up from the nap I started taking at 3:45. In my defense, due to the aforementioned air-conditioning issue, I got about four hours of sleep last night because it got so hot that I woke up at 3:30am.
7:35 pm – I open all the windows because it’s cool enough to make a difference.
7:40 pm – I get on the internet to check my email and news reader.
8:30 pm – I eat an ice cream drumstick with the full intention of calling it dinner.
9:20 pm – I remember that I have only had a Twix ice cream bar and a single chicken sandwich to eat for the entirety of the day, and get off the internet to make food.
9:40 pm – I actually get off the internet to make food.
9:41 pm – I pull out a box of my nemesis, macaroni and cheese. It is so tasty, but I suck so hard at making it.
9:42 pm – I finally locate a saucepan. Since my roommate does the cooking, I made the executive decision to saddle her with allow her to put the kitchen together, since it was more vital that she know where everything is. Consequently, it took me until 9:43 to find a measuring cup. I know that doesn’t sound pathetic, but we have four cabinets. So there’s that.
9:43 pm – After locating a measuring cup, I pour 6 cups of water into a saucepan. I also realize that this recipe calls for milk.
9:44 pm – I realize we don’t have milk.
9:45 pm – I make myself a really strong Bloody Mary.
9:46 pm – I suck it up, exchange the macaroni box for garlic and cheddar instant mashed potatoes. I start boiling 1 1/2 cups of water and 2 tablespoons of butter.
9:47 pm – I realize that the mashed potato mix also calls for milk. I say a few words I did not learn in my parents’ house.
9:48 pm – I fish what is by now probably a tablespoon and a half of butter out of the saucepan and put it back in the refrigerator.
9:49 pm – I try to find one box of food that doesn’t require %&*#@!@$ milk, and eventually suck it up and grab some chicken ramen.
9:50 pm – I add a half cup of water to the saucepan and start boiling my noodles.
9:52 pm – I get hot because open flames are a tad warm and start cooking shirtless in my kitchen. One of the only good things about my roommate being gone is that our apartment is now pants- and shirts-optional.
9:53 pm – I add a pack of seasoning to the sauce. I then add an entire packet of soy sauce, because SCREW YOU HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME.
9:54 pm – I remember that boiling water is hot when I bite into a noodle that was probably only a little hotter than the surface of the sun. I down half my Bloody Mary.
9:55 pm – I remember why we wear sleeves in chemistry lab – it is because boiling water on bare skin is a tad uncomfortable. I say some words I learned from watching movies that I shouldn’t have when I was ten.
9:56 pm – I begin to eat my first delicious bowl of buttery soy chicken ramen.
9:57 pm – I watch the oil sliding around in the bottom of the bowl and remind myself that I believe in the power of science to solve all of our health problems.
10:17 pm – I finish this post and my final bowl of noodles.
Verdict: Edible
Convenience: High
Difficulty level: Low
Skill Required: Opposable thumbs, ability to boil water
Materials: Sauce pot, butter, chicken ramen, soy sauce, stove, shirt, Bloody Mary, power
Quote: “The butter takes some of the edge off of the saltiness of the soy sauce!”
Lessons learned:
-I need to buy some %&*#@!@$ milk.
-The possibility of a power outage becomes infinitely more terrifying when you are depending on fans to not die.
-Shirts are an important accessory in any chef’s arsenal. Either that or I should get an apron.
-Winners disregard the FDA’s recommendations on daily sodium intake. I am a winner.
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Things I Like and Other Miscellaneous Musings 